A Dating Profile for a Block of Ice

As a formerly married person, I no longer have a set idea about what a successful relationship looks like. I often think and talk about the many forms partnership can take. I love hearing details of people’s romantic lives from the mundane to the exciting to the messy and complicated.

I believe all relationships have seasons. If you’ll allow a water metaphor, dear reader, I think new relationships are like the just-melted, thin streams of icy water from a mountaintop. Fueled with potential and rushing quickly over and around obstacles, sometimes streams bump into each other and pool for a while before separating and continuing down hill. Other times they join forces and journey onward stronger. Together they ebb and flow. They will flood and recede as more water joins in or branches off. Sometimes water forms tranquil ponds and other times it merges with the ocean, destined to rhythmically crash against the sand for eternity.

You can think of me, using this metaphor, as a block of ice at the top of the mountain wondering which path down suits me. I have no idea where I want to end up. So, my online dating profile, when I have one up, is mostly a joke. According to any of these swipey apps, my favorite food is chocolate covered Oreos, and I won’t date guys who wear tank tops or are picky eaters.

One of my friends periodically lets me look at his perspective dates, a voyeuristic carnival where I get to observe the profiles of other women. This got me thinking about how different my experience could be depending on how I frame who I am and what I want. What if instead of the aloof jokester who can knock down walls, enjoys being outdoors and is a gold-medalist in the smirking olympics currently portrayed on my profile was replaced with a writeup more like this:

I am the founder of a women’s health platform for which I am currently fundraising, writing a book, filming videos, and collaborating on a multitude of creative projects. When I’m not on the road, or working from my kitchen table, I have about two free hours per week.

I sleep in a twin bed in the living room of a tiny apartment where I live with my two remarkably smart and funny children. I have an ex-husband who is an excellent co-parent that I respect and love. Please intend on getting along well with him. In addition to my ex, one of my best friends is also a man. Don’t be threatened by him, even though he is very handsome.

In my former life, I was an excellent cook and hostess who threw parties and always had company. Currently, I forget to eat at least one meal a day but am trying to get better about that mostly because I’m worried I’ll wreck my metabolism and somehow get fat from eating less.

My ideal day would include doing a jig-saw puzzle, sitting in the sun, going to a yoga class, and laughing until I feel sort of sick. It would start with coffee and end with chocolate cake. What a typical day includes is getting up and going to bed rather early, making many phone calls, writing emails and the characteristic amount of driving almost all moms do. It does include coffee and sometimes a puzzle and/or yoga though, so I’m almost living my dream.

Even though I’ve taken action against it, I assume I’m going to have a short life. If you picture growing old with someone, I’m probably not your girl.

My hobbies include rearranging the furniture, DIY craft projects, gardening, and keeping my closet organized by color.

I don’t want to parent your children, if you have them, nor do I want to have any new ones. It would be great if you’ve got no family for me to try to think about weaving into my own. My life feels full in a glorious, loving, and time consuming way.

My mom died young, which left me with some significant abandonment issues that have been reinforced by most of my romantic relationships. I’m not currently working on that though, so you’ll have to be ok with my keeping you at arm’s length.

I have a refined, dark sense of humor from years of hanging out with people who believe comedy knows no boundaries but that we should still be actively aiming to prove as much. This darkness is tempered by my warm smile which is actively off-set by my cold hands.

My ideal first date, because surely you’re going to ask me on one, is either climbing trees (I’m quick to go up, but slow to come down) or walking through Ikea (that’s the best way to get to know someone fast).

Probably, I’ll be up on this mountain top for a while. You should join me. The view is great.